Lost in Translation
by jjcrimminds
Summary: I hope that one day, you can forgive me.


**A/N: It's been a while.**

 **First off, I want express how sorry I am for being so absent, and not updating. I've sort of been on hiatus.**

 **This fic is a one-shot, written for** **LaurenPrentiss** **. I'm sorry that it took me literally forever to write, and I can only hope that meets your expectations.**

 _Spence,_

 _Honestly, I'm not even sure I'm allowed to call you that anymore. Tell me, at what point does a relationship wither so much that one cannot even bear to be called by a name that had once brought them so much comfort? You always told me how much you loved that I called you Spence. You said it made you feel special; no one had ever addressed you by it before and you liked that I was the first to do so._

 _But now, is that word even permitted to leave my lips?_

 _My heart aches at the thought that I hurt you, that I caused you even more emotional pain on top of what you've already endured in your lifetime. You must believe that it was never my intention to do so. How could anyone ever want to hurt someone as sweet and innocent as you? I'll never be able to express just how sorry I am for doing so._

 _But despite this, I do not regret any one of my actions._

 _I don't regret my part in faking Emily's death. You could ask me a million times and my answer would always be the same. I would do anything to protect her, protect the whole team. And I know that the way we chose to do things was the best way to ensure everyone's safety. I will not, nor will I ever, apologize for that._

 _I also don't regret all those nights that you arrived on my doorstop, so incredibly distraught and forlorn. I wish that I could've told you the truth, especially after you poured your heart and soul out to me during those sleepless nights on my living room couch. But doing so would have risked everyone's safety, and the reality is that there is no situation in which I could have told you, or anyone for that matter._

 _So when you journeyed to my house in the midnight hours, week after week, I was grateful. Yes, I know how that sounds. But it's the truth. I was grateful that I could offer you comfort in your time of need. I was grateful that you trusted me enough to seek my aid. Looking back now, I am, and will always be, grateful that I helped you through that time._

 _I know how you must feel as you're reading this – that I'm missing the whole point completely. I could have prevented your pain, and everyone else's, if I had just told the truth. But like I've said, that was never an option for me._

 _You wanted me to tell you she was alive. That was what you considered to be the truth._

 _But for me, saying "Emily is alive" would have been a lie._

 _Because as soon as I would have uttered those words, the sanctuary that I had built for her in Paris would have shattered in an instant. If those words ever would have left my lips, Emily would have been dead quicker than you ever could have begun to help her._

 _And I'm sorry for the way I handled our conversation in the police station earlier. I never should have belittled your profiling skills the way that I did. That wasn't right of me to do and I wasn't thinking clearly at the time. It's just – you had been dropping these comments all day, hinting at the whole Emily situation and I was beginning to get annoyed by the fact that you didn't just tell me directly how you felt._

 _I'm not saying you did anything wrong here, because I don't feel that way at all. I'm more mad at how I expressed myself during our argument. I came off as snappy and defensive, but in reality, I don't feel that way at all._

 _You said you were mad because I had broken your trust by not telling you about Emily. I had continued to let you into my home, all the while knowing the truth about her. But it was never about trust at all, Spence._

 _It never even factored into the equation for me. I can see how it would have for you, though, and I am so incredibly sorry that I shattered any perception of trust that you had in me._

 _When you asked me if I couldn't or wouldn't tell you the truth, I was honestly shocked. I never thought you would believe that I wouldn't tell you about Emily if I could do so without endangering her life. Up until that point, I thought you had understood that. I guess that's part of the reason why our argument caught me so off guard._

 _Believe me, if I could have told anyone about Emily's situation without putting her in danger, I would have done so in a heartbeat._

 _Because having to keep her situation to myself was one the hardest things I have ever had to do in my entire life. Every day, I lived with the knowledge that all of you believed Emily to be dead. Don't you think that I would have spared you all of that unnecessary pain if I could have done so without any consequences?_

 _You asked me if I would have let you take Dilaudid again. And I'm sorry for this next part because I know it isn't at all what you want to hear._

 _I can say with complete certainty that I still would not have told you about Emily if you had begun to use again. I care about you, Spence, you know that I do. But I would never comprise the safety of the whole team, including you. Instead, I would do my best to keep you on track, just like I have done in the past. Believe me, I would never, ever, want you to go through that again._

 _But I also know that you are stronger than your urges._

 _That's one of the things I have always admired about you – your strong will. You may not see it but I always have. Once you put your mind to something, it gets done, no matter what the circumstances. And I know in my heart that you would never put yourself in the same position that you were in all those years ago, after your abduction. You promised me that you would never use again, and I know that you would never intentionally break that promise. And you did keep your word – you fought your urges and came out on the winning side. I'm proud of you for that._

 _In this moment, I want nothing more than to continue apologizing until you forgive me. I know how unrealistic that is, but I can't help it. You're my friend, Spence. Or at least you were until I fucked everything up. I can't just let our friendship dissipate into nothing without at least trying to salvage it._

 _Somewhere along the way, a piece of me got lost in translation and I couldn't tell you how I felt, couldn't express myself in a way that wouldn't come off as bitchy or insensitive. I guess that's pretty much my fault._

 _At this point, I don't really know if there's hope for us. But if you one day find it in your heart to forgive me, I'll be waiting. I hope that with time, I can earn your trust back and show you that I'm the person you always believed me to be._

 _But if you chose the opposite - if you truly want nothing to do with me, I will accept your decision. Because even though I don't think I could function properly without you in my life, I would do it for you, if that's what you want._

 _So, I guess this is the end of this letter. Honestly, I don't really know why I wrote it. I guess I was just frustrated that I couldn't express myself in the way that I wanted. At least this way, I can tell you everything I'm thinking without having to see your reaction face to face. Cowardly, I know. I'll own up to that._

 _This is it, I guess. So, one last time, I am so sorry, Spence. For everything I have done, everything I have put you through._

 _I hope that one day, you can forgive me._

 _~ JJ_


End file.
